Last Night: Epilog

Subtitle: Feline Puberty

When we left the “Cat and Foot” saga, I ran for the couch and left Mrs. eSquared on her own with the cat. Yes, I admit it was cowardly, but running away is a perfectly viable defensive maneuver. It has worked well in the past.

So… back to the problem. The cat has taught himself a new trick; oddly enough, this trick has a name: Feline Masturbation. Yes, this has been confirmed by several dubious internet sources. Here’s one:

Masturbation is a difficult problem to deal with in cats. It is a normal behavior and it is probably pleasurable. This combination makes it hard to discourage. It is not really unusual for neutered cats to learn to masturbate and it may be possible for them to produce some fluid.

In a few cats, this can become (or possibly starts out as) an obsessive/compulsive disorder. If this is a really persistent problem rather than an occasional one, it would be a good idea to ask your vet if there is a behaviorist in your area who you can work with to help resolve the problem. In this case medications for obsessive/compulsive disorders may be helpful. As far as I know, these are the only cats in which medication is likely to help.

Mike Richards, DVM
http://www.vetinfo.com/cmale.html#Masturbation

The brat is about 3 years old now. I don’t know how old that is in cat years, but he sure acts like a teenager. Like any normal teenager, he’s experimenting. I can imagine what’s going on in his little kitty head…

“Sleep… sleep… where’s that lady with the crunchies… sleep… “
“Poop… sleep… hey! You're not the lady with the crunchies! Sleep…”
“Sleep… what’s this… humm… mmm… oooh… that’s nice… That was fun… let’s do that again…”

(sigh) I miss those days... Good times.

Last Night...

Earplugs in tight; I am sleeping soundly. Until…

Poke. Poke. Poke on my hip.

I turn to Mrs. eSquared.

Mrs. E2: “Blah wahwah blah wah blah waah.”

Me: THWUK (I pull out one of my earplugs) “Whah?”

Mrs. E2: “There’s something wrong with the cat.”

I look at the cat… he looks back at me. I give him a couple of scritches, jam the plug back in my head and lay down. I mumble, “He’s fine.”

Drifting… drifting…

Poke. Poke. Poke… this time harder.

Mrs. E2: “Blah wahwah blah BLAH!”

Me: THWUK (I pull out one of my earplugs) “Whah?”

Mrs. E2: “He’s humping my LEG!”

Me: That’s ridiculous… he’s fixed… He has no idea… I trail off and look at the cat… he looks back at me as if to say, “Whaaaaat… I’m a cat.”

I have absolutely nothing to say to this, so I shove the plug back in my ear and try to go back to sleep.

Drifting… drifting…

POKE! POKE! POKE! I’m sure I’ll have a bruise.

I sit straight up fighting the urge to yell and THWUK, I pull out one of my earplugs.

Sure enough… the cat is humping my wife’s foot. I kind of felt sorry for him.

Both Mrs. eSquared and the cat look at me like I’m supposed to do something. I imagine…

Mrs. E2: “Make him stop… I’m trying to sleep!”

Cat: “Would you make her shut up and stop moving her foot… I’m busy!”

Without a word, I took my pillow and went and slept on the couch.

Last Night: Preface

There are two reasons I wear earplugs to bed. First, Mrs. eSquared likes to go to sleep with lullaby movie. The Terminator, for instance, or most any movie with a dramatic soundtrack, lots of screaming and copious gunfire and explosions.

Me… not so much. So, I use earplugs. This is the “official” story.

The “unofficial” story: Because of her pregnancy, hormones, acid-reflux and many other horrors only known to mothers, Mrs. eSquared sleeps on her back, propped by many pillows to elevate her upper body.

This position has turned her once dainty and cute “sleeping-sounds” into inhuman, lumberjack snoring that defies simile or explanation. It doesn’t sound like a jackhammer, though it feels like one – behind the eyes. It’s not quite a ripsaw… (actually, I don’t know what a ripsaw sounds like, or if there is such a thing… it just sounds good) but you get my point.

This is the second reason I wear earplugs at night. Because it helps me sleep, I’m sure everyone who knows me, or comes in contact with me during the day – any day, is appreciative.

Stay tuned