When a Beaver has to go... he has to go!

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago.  Things got busy and I never posted it.

This last Sunday, a friend of mine and I traveled up to the place where we will be having or annual men's group retreat.   This year, my friend (Village Beaver) and I are organizing the retreat so we went up to scope out the area and do a little planning.  The retreat center is in the Hood Canal area, and therefore about a three hour drive with a ferry. 

We originally planned to stay Sunday night, and return on Monday.  We finished our stuff and decided to come home.  We left about 6 and got horribly lost when we tried to drive around via the Tacoma Narrows Bridge.  Which, by the way, was backed up for two miles because of construction. 

We pulled into our driveway about 10:30 - 10:45.  Over the course of our drive, I mentioned that Mrs. eSquared was out of town, and the only the cat was waiting for me at home.

[sidenote:] Old Crow is very much like a real crow in the respect of her vigilance of being a watch-crow.  She is ever-watchful at her post in the upstairs window.  Her sentry abilities are second only to elite military units.  Either when I come, or go, I can see her beady eyes peering down at me from her window.  She wont just acknowledge and move on; she continues to stare even though she knows its me.  Its unnerving.

So... Village Beaver pulls his van (unknown to Old Crow) into the driveway and we both get out.  Me to unpack my gear and him (I think) to help. 

Not so.  VB b-lines across the front yard and starts to urinate.

I was oblivious to this.

The next thing I hear is Old Crow: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING... HEY"!

Still clueless... I say, "Its ok, [Old Crow] he's with me."

By this time, Village Beaver has stopped his stream, and is frantically looking for somewhere out of the spotlight to continue.

I'm beginning to realize what's going on, and start to laugh.  Mostly out of embarrassment.

While I'm nervous-laughing, my inner critic recaps the situation...

• Your friend is peeing on the front lawn.
• [Old Crow] caught him.
• She is standing on the porch, correction, she is walking toward you
• In her old-lady nightgown
• Yup, that's about it - what are YOU going to do?

Old Crow came down the stairs and heads for me.  I am vaguely aware that VB has moved to the other side of the lawn (further from Old Crow).

Standing in front of me, Old Crow greets me in her usual way?  "Oh... it's you."

Seconds later, Village Beaver has both Old Crow and I laughing.  For the life of me, I don't remember what he said.  He climbed back into his van, and sped away.  Old Crow climbed back to her sentry post, and I just stood there wondering what happened... as usual.

Plato: "Let no one Ignorant of Geometry Enter"

Ok… went to the store, put the groceries away, and decided it was time I tackled the GRE quantitative assessment. So I’m working along, feeling pretty good about my self. I’m slow, but it’s all coming back. Then… I come to a geometry question. I just sat and blinked at it.

Now I’m disheartened. Needless to say, I’ve put the book away and I’m listening to Van Morrison, and I’m spilling my woes here.

Is it possible to be a college graduate and be decimated by high school geometry? Plato was an asshole… on many levels.

So… on to a meme. I was going to write this big thing on memes as tools of community, like icebreakers. It was going to be brilliant and philosophical. Like Plato, I’m an asshole too.

I got this from Deenerann at My Lunatic Ramblings, who in turn lifted from someone else. Creative Commons, blah blah blah.


The last thing you burned while cooking?

More than likely, popcorn or a frozen pizza. Trader Joes has GREAT ones.

Describe yourself in 3 words?

Smart, silly and sarcastic (Mrs. E2 contribution) Me: Quirky, hypersensitive and
witty

How long does it take you to get ready for your day?

Get ready? Does that mean on bath day, or not?

Are you a health freak?

No, I have neither the discipline or the desire.

How many people have thought you were the one?

I could never be mistaken for a health freak. A freak, maybe, but not
a health freak.

What turns you off about the opposite sex?

Hygiene issues, inappropriate dressing (even if they can get away with it) and
shallowness.

What kind of car do you drive?

Mercury Sable

Favorite thing to toast to?

Friends, a wonderful meal, relationships, good fortune, acknowledgement of hard work and to get hammered.

What celebrity would you have coffee with?

Celebrity huh… Paul Newman, or Kenneth Branaugh

What celebrity would you not have sex with?

Humm… that’s a long list. First, everyone with a Y
chromosome. Of the rest, the top two no-brainers are Phyllis Diller and Joan
Rivers. But now that I think about it... probably anyone on the ‘A’
list. Why? Selfish in Bed and too much plastic.

What is the main ringtone on your cell?

I have a jarring old 40s ringtone. It’s unique and I can hear it for miles (when I have my phone on).

What were you doing at midnight last night?

Watching the new season of Morgan Spurlocks’ “30 Days”

Last TV show you watched?

See above

Who is your best friend?

Second to my wife: John

Who in your family do you get along with?

We get along… the two times a year we see eachother.

What is your top 5 hollywood hottie list?

1. Brenda Strong. 2. Sela Ward. 3. Sandra Oh 4. Mariska Hargitay. 5. Jeanne
Tripplehorn.

Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

Wife, but not the third or fifth

When/where was the last place you traveled?

Last month… Seaside Oregon. REALLY traveled, on a plane? 2002, Germany
and Italy

How many times have you been in love?

Puppy love… constantly. Real love? Once, and I still am.

How old will you be in 10 years?

49 (gasp) If I get there.

What did the last text message you received on your cell say?

“Hey handsome, I need your home address so I can send you an invitation.” (whoohoo)

What is a saying you say a lot?

"What the F#@&”!

Sinful snacking weakness?

Ice Cream

Best clothing style?

Best for comfort, or look? Shorts, t-shirt for
comfort. Humm… that’s all I wear.

Ever run out of gas?

Nope, I’m too OCD

Ever been to Europe?

Yup, loved it… eager to go back.

Worst date ever?

The whole narration or just her name? Let me say this… h a l i t o s i s.

Personal records?

Yes, I have them… years of them

What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for a day?

I wouldn’t leave the house.

Total jail time?

Zero… Not that I shouldn’t have jail time.

Have a crush on anyone you work with?

No.

In your cd player right now?

Soundtrack from Matrix Reloaded.

What is something you believe in?

Karma. Mean people breed little mean people. Everyone is amazing for something.

What is something you fear?

Unstable heights (looking over guard rails, etc). Going through my wife's
stuff after she's gone.

Big or small?

I have no idea what this means… BIG

Worst physical pain you ever experienced?

I don’t remember physical pain. I have lot's of scars though.

Tell us something about your childhood?

I had an imaginary friend I named Pabby.

Best time to catch you in a good mood?

In the morning, early, after or during coffee. I love coffee.

If you could be anything for a day, what would it be?

I dunno… only for a day? Sounds like a real bummer to have all your
dreams realized then 24 hours later be back in the same position. So…
I’ll say GOD.

Most prized possession?

My family (wife and cat). The rest of it is all fluf anyway.

Would you ever sell it?

If the price is right… just kidding.

What is one of your pet peeves?

Stupid, passive people

Favorite actor/actress

Tom Cruise… again, kidding. He's a chump. I have
lots. Tim Roth, Edward Norton, Ewan McGreggor, Tim
Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Morgan Freeman, Dustin Hoffman Etc...

What song are you listening to right now?

Nothing

If you could sucker punch someone right now who would it be?

Sean Evenson

Any secrets?

Does one person know all of my secrets, no. Do a few people know all
of my secrets, yes. So, do I have anything that no one knows, no.

Unhealthy addictions?

Unhealthy food.

Unhealthy fascinations?

Does watching really stupid shit on TV count?

Favorite sexual position?

All of them (that I know).

What do you notice first about the opposite sex?

Hair, eyes, malformations or disfiguring scars, general body type, sense of
humor, and eyes.

Favorite physical part of the opposite sex?

Other than female? Hair, legs and eyes

Soft sensual sex or porn star sex?

Alternate

Would you go on a date with someone you met online?

If I wasn’t married, sure.

Work attire?

Shorts, t-shirt.

What is your best physical feature?

Eyes

Do you think anyone actually has read this far?

My one reader? It depends if they’re out of rehab yet.

The culture and nature of blogging

I’m relatively new to the world of blogging. I even had to look the word up: web-log. I am captivated and intrigued by the whole idea of blogging. The philosophy, the community and the absence of borders, are all dissertation-worthy topics.
Specifically, I am drawn in by two things:

First, the blogging culture is postmodern, even post-human. The only parts of our bodies that are needed are our mind, and our fingers. Everything else is hyper-real, nebulous and without structure as we are used to it. The pre-condition of the internet collapses time and distance. The blogging culture is real-time.

The second thing is the nature of blogging or journaling. We have a soap-box in our little corner of the world-wide-web. We post our silly thoughts, fears, things that piss us off… we send them out into the great beyond. (As a side note, I’m also intrigued by subconscious self-editing, dramatic embellishment and even self-censorship as a part of blog authorship.) Later, we hear a voice in the distance… “I know what you mean.” The spark of a common thread, and a relationship begins. This relationship knows only the psychic boundaries of each individual. There is no distance; no time changes; even no physical body anchored in the real-world. Just thoughts, passed through fingers, then digitized by a keyboard, and sent through wires as electronic impulses.

We nurture these relationships. We get to know each other, and foster connections. We miss our usual reads when they don’t post. If I haven’t posted, I begin with an apology—a reason or excuse, and then we catch up.

There’s something outside… aliens, burglars… communists?

(poke, poke, poke on my arm)

Mrs. E2: “I heard a noise outside, and the light keeps coming on.”

(We have a motion-sensor light in the back yard)

“Would you do a house-check”?

Me: “Uh, grunt, sputter, cough.”

The clock on the DVD player came into focus as I stumbled closer. I need to use all the muscles in my face to keep the lids over my fixed-focus eyes open.

Damned Clock: 3:38

Luckily, the hallway is narrow enough to keep me from falling over as I hurl myself down the hall.

My first complete thought: This is the first time in our nearly eleven years of marriage I’ve been sent on an emergency house-check.

My Second complete thought: Now that I’m standing in the living room, in my underwear; I should have grabbed the baseball bat I keep next to the bed. The same one I move EVERY time I sweep, vacuum and dust the bed room.

I stand in the sliding glass window, wondering what I would do if I saw the boogerman. Luckily for me, he either wasn’t there or hid himself well for the minute I stood there.

I go back to bed, reassuring the hyper-vigilant Mrs. E2.

Outside: Thump-bump.

Damned Clock: 4: BLUR

“Did you hear that”?

Me: (Wide awake with enough adrenaline fizzing through me I can feel my hair) “Yup… maybe it came from upstairs.”

This was my futile hope that it was Old Crow was cleaning her bedroom, or moving furniture.

This was my last thought. I guess I was SO concerned for the safety of my home and family… I fell back asleep.

By The Way… Where is Wylie the attack-cat during this whole drama? Asleep like a big, hot, fuzzy rock in the exact center of the bed.

The next thing I hear (in the morning): ‘Hey Huunny… know what that noise was last night… our burgler”?

“Apples from the neighbor’s tree falling on the shed.”

So much for the invading hordes of communists.

Passively Crowing the Garage… & Mother Stuff

This is a long, meandering post… stay with me

So I’m driving home… I’m both fuming and mystified. I am mystified at the COMPLETE incapacity for the Taco Bell by my house to get ANY order of mine right. I don’t frequent this place often… however, once in a while their Zesty Chicken Bowl sounds good. Today was such a day.

I’ll save you the terrible details; I’m fuming because I just can’t believe I didn’t check the bag… AGAIN! No doubt another month will pass and I’ll try again.

As I pull in the driveway, and open the garage door, Old Crow is dashing (to the extent she can) across the garage with a broom. She starts sweeping the floor… exactly where I want to park. It’s like she was waiting… “He’s home… I’ll sweep now”! Little did I know she was making a point.

Yes, it has occurred to me that she wasn’t planning on me coming home right then and wanted to sweep out the garage

I’m sitting in my car… watching this old lady sweep the garage floor, as I am deep breathing and trying to find a happy place… any happy place. She finishes, and I start a little self-talk while I’m gathering some stuff from the car and my INCOMPLETE, YET PAID FOR lunch order.

“It’s not her fault she’s crazy.”
“Just let it go… she won’t listen anyway.”
“Grin and bear it.”
“Smile and walk passed her.”

I have lunch, GRE study materials, the mail, my phone (and accessories) and a big coke in my hands, not to mention my keys to open the door.

The Crow says to me, “So, you guys don’t have time to sweep the garage”?

Side Note 1: She has NEVER ask me to sweep the garage.
Side Note 2: I mentioned in my introduction of Old Crow that she presses ‘mother buttons’ of mine that my mom doesn’t push. Passivity is one of my big buttons. If you want something, ASK ME DIRECTLY! If you knock on my back door, I reserve the right to ignore you.

When I hear someone knocking on my back door, sometimes I’ll play a little game with myself and try to get them to ask for what they want… like so:

The Crow says to me: “So, you guys don’t have time to sweep the garage”?

Deflated, because I almost made it to the door before she sucked me in, I reply: “It’s not a matter of time.”

She responds: “Oh, you don’t want to sweep the garage floor.”

Me: “Well… no. Would you like us too”? (Invitation for her to ask me)

(Pause in conversation… she is focused on the floor: sweeping)

Her with a hanging tone: “No…” (Invitation declined)

(Another pause in conversation. I see my opportunity to escape and I turn toward the door)

Her: “You guys dirty it too… going in and out.”

(So… she wants me to want to sweep the floor, and expects that I will take the initiative to sweep the floor, but she flat-out refuses to ask to sweep the floor.)

Standing there, I think to myself, “Right now, I literally can’t think of anything that is LESS important to me. Given a little time… maybe, but right now… nada.

Painting my toenails… more important than sweeping the garage floor.
Painting Wife’s toenails… more important.
Painting the cat’s toenails… more important.
Cleaning the goop off the liquid dishwashing soap bottle… more important.
Picking my nose… more important. Disposing the booger properly… more important.
Non-focused-thousand-yard staring out the window, until my eyes dry out… more important.

At this point, I lose the little patience I have for shit like this.

With my teeth clinched, and in my most mordant tone, I muster: “I’ll try to remember.”

For me, this is another way (using INDIRECT communication) of saying:

“When miniature, bald monkeys fly out of my ass, and bite George W. on the ankles.”