Time to Pay the Piper…

As many of you know, the University of Washington recently declared me dangerously over-educated; I have the diploma to prove it.

Since then, I have been living in the wonderful and mostly imaginary land of, “Grace Period.” During my stay, I would receive notices telling me I must leave Grace Period, but unfortunately, Grace Period is such a beautiful and alluring place, I would simply acknowledge these notices and continue about my day in GP.

In Grace Period, the sun is warm, but not too hot and the air is clean and fresh. Food tastes better; sleep is deeper and more restful. Love is sweeter in Grace Period, and there is much freedom to do what you want to do, when you want to do it. In Grace Period, it truly is a wonderful life.

I’ve been deported.

Much to my chagrin and dismay, the cold, hard truth of the “Real World” has extradited me kicking and screaming. Now… I have to pay for the late-nights, the papers, the bad books, the excruciating classes, the mind-numbing comments from other students and the group presentations. I have to pay for watching my loved ones have fun while I sat at home on weekends reading the incomprehensible written by dead, French philosophers.

I will pay for this: three-hundred dollars at a time… for the rest of my life.

Conversations with Biology…

As you might imagine, Mrs. eSquared has been doing a fair amount of fretting about our upcoming bundle of joy. Though all of her worries are my worries… there have been a few that have been slightly more difficult to take on than others. When we first learned we were pregnant, Mrs. E2 started obsessing about childcare more than a year and a half before we needed it.

I realized this anxiety is probably biologically driven. Certainly, it’s in the best interest of the species for expectant mothers to be anxious about their young. Until now I’ve been unaware of the degree that new mothers are compelled to explore in their hormone-crazed delusion.

Mrs. E2: “I saw pregnant woman at work today.”
E2: “Yeah… “
Mrs. E2: “She’s about half-along as we are.”
E2: “Mmmm…”
Mrs. E2: “She’s twice as big…”
E2: [thinking to myself] oh no…
Mrs. E2: “Maybe we’re having a pigmy baby.”
E2: “What?!?”

There are more… I just can’t remember them right now.

Birdshit, Window & Concrete Cleaner...

Yesterday, I just got my hair cut, and I was on my way to the gas station when, *WHAP!* the biggest pile of birdshit I've ever seen hits my windshield. After I composed myself, and stopped screaming like a little girl, I was rather impressed. I remarked out loud, "Must've been a big bird."
So... as I'm filling the car with gas, I remember to buy some window washing fluid. The melting snow, sand and other dirt have made a mess of the car and the windows. I also decide to get the car washed rather than scrape the birdshit off with my ice scraper.

They did a really crappy job on the car... Yeah, the birdshit is gone, but now I have a partially clean car with big dirt streaks and spots. Oh well.. a battle for another day.

I came home and parked in the garage, and later... Mrs. eSquared and I come home from dinner and there is a huge puddle (more like a pond) if iridescent fluid under my car. I think it's antifreeze.

So... this morning, I pull the car out and get ready to crawl under to see what fresh evil my car has for me. I put my finger in the pond, which over night has sprouted rivers and tributaries.

"Humm... doesnt feel like antifreeze."
"Humm... doesnt smell like antifreeze."
"Humm... doesnt taste like antifreeze." It's window washing stuff (breath of relief, followed by a lot of spitting).

Breathing easier, I sprinkled kitty litter on the pond and rivers to absorb the liquid so I can just sweep it out.

At this point, reference this post from July: Passively Crowing the Garage… & Mother Stuff

I come out later to clean up the kittylitter and find this:

A gallon of concrete & asphault cleaner. Lovely. Old Crow has left for the day.

Hours later...

5:30 on a Stormy Sunday Morning

This is my favorite time of the day. Everyone is asleep, and the house is quiet. I’ve cleaned the kitchen and I’m waiting for the first drops of caffeine to issue from Mr. Coffee. Last nights pizza has dehydrated me, so I’m on my third glass of water. I’m sitting at the kitchen table surveying all the baby crap the family has purchased in the last 72 hours; my vision blurs… As I sit entranced in a thousand-yard stare, the teddy bear speaks using Denis Leary’s voice…

Teddy Bear: “Hey.”
eSquared: “Huh, who said that?”
TB: “Me silly, the bear… I’m not coming any closer.”
E2: “Aaahhh… A TALKING BEAR!”
TB: “Calm down, this is your imagination. You know, you’ll have to reach to touch me sooner or later… I’m not coming any closer.”
E2: “What are you talking about? I don’t want you any closer… I need coffee.”
TB: “I’m soft, and cute…. I also play a little tune.”
E2: “So…”
TB: “Go ahead, touch me.”
E2: “Is this really happening? Why do you want me to touch you so badly?”
TB: “I’m figurative… symbolic. I don’t need you to touch me, you need to reach out and embrace me.”
E2: “Why?”
TB: “I’m your life now, that’s why. Stuffed animals, little pink clothes, teletubbies, puke on your shoulder…
E2: “STOP.” “You’re freakin me out.”
TB: “Too bad. Get used to it…this is your life. You don’t have to hug me now, but you will eventually.”
E2: [heavy sigh] “Yeah, I know. How about when we get home? I’ll spend a little time with you. I think it’ll be a little weird here at grandma’s house.
TB: Whatever.

A Crafty Crow

The clothes washer and dryer happen to be in our part of the house. As a student, and then as a post-student (read unemployed) I was home frequently and didn’t have a set schedule. We have had an agreement with OC that she won’t enter our living space without our permission. Well… this is an agreement only in the fact she acknowledges it, and then completely ignores it when we’re not home.

In the first year we lived there, we thought it was a nuisance, but something we would overlook. In the second year, I would confront her regularly (in the spirit of direct communication) and she would nod eagerly, apologize and then completely disregard everything I said. The third year I have threatened. I have printed articles off the tenants’ rights website, and even threatened to charge her $100 for each violation.

Up until I got this job, she would ask me weekly what my schedule was and if she could ‘run a load of rugs.” She was visible elated when I told her I got a job and would be gone all day. Not because I got a job, not because she’s happy for me and my family… because I’ll be out of the house.

Immediately, things started to change… chairs would be moved, rugs would be moved. Even the garbage would be emptied. Just to mess with her, I would move things back. I’d leave little traps for her. I’d prey on her OCD and leave stuff I knew she couldn’t resist. Once, OC left a message on our phone asking us not to put clothes on the backs of her chairs because it wears varnish off. Can you believe that?!?

It’s like she thinks we don’t notice. I think that’s what pisses me off the most. So on Wednesday, I couldn’t bear it any more… I called her and asked if she had some time, I went up there and mustered all the tact and diplomacy I could. Once again, she nodded and agreed with me.

Here’s the weird part of the conversation. She asked me if Mrs. eSquared was pregnant. We specifically hid all the books, pamphlets and baby paraphernalia to keep it from her. The old crow snooped her boney ass through our house and found our stuff!

She also told me that Magpie was moving. She is looking for someone to replace her (as if she can be replaced) but only someone who will be gone all day because she wants the house all to herself. Maybe she can find someone to pay her for not living there.

The Same ol Stuff

It's Thanksgiving week... again!

This is the time of year that I always can’t believe is here. I never catch myself saying, "WOW! Groundhog Day again!" Even birthdays don’t seem to phase me. This concept was beyond me as a kid. Why would someone not care about their birthday? People give you stuff... I get anything I want for dinner (which was usually macaroni & cheese) and all the sugar a hyper kid can eat, or the parents can tolerate.
Only the holidays freak me out. Then I write the wrong date on everything for three months… and I’m good. Until another Halloween.

Commercialism: Macaroni and Cheese or Macaroni & Cheese.

Mrs. E2 and I are packing the cat in the car and heading south for the weekend for some time with the Fam. Wylie is generally good with the trip… he gets good drugs. In ways, I envy him.

Here’s a question for you. Take a moment and post an answer, one word will do.
If you could be an artist of some sort, (writer, musician, painter, etc.) and you knew you would be successful (whatever that means to you) what type of artist would you be?

Extra credit question: What would that scenario look like?

I’ll post my answer tomorrow, or the next day.

Six-Word Story Sunday

A while ago – I don’t remember exactly how long, I stumbled across a blogger that discussed six-word stories. One of the stories he mentioned has stayed with me. It has finally worn me down with its persistent nagging about wanting other little stories to play with, and to be set free from the confines between my ears.

As I write this I am struck by the ominous irony that Hemmingway’s six-word story has… for me… at this time. It’s all clear now. Hemmingway asserted that this was his best work. I don’t know if it is or not… all I know is: I can’t get it out of my mind.

I started this post with the intention of coming up with a few of my own… to keep this one company (as I mentioned a few lines ago). Now… I don’t want to detract from this moment. I will do many more six-word-story Sundays… just not today.

“For sale: baby shoes, never used.”

It may be late...

... but it's news to me

• School bus driver fired for obscene gesture to Bush wants job back

Go Seattle!

• Plastic trash vortex menaces Pacific sealife: study

Talk among yourselves

Magpie...

It was brought to my attention that I never really explained Magpie. And so without further adieu, Magpie bullets.

• She lives here during the week
• She has a house in Bellingham, but works here
• Old crow owns this house. She lives upstairs we rent out the downstairs.
• One of those houses that have a half-staircase going up, and half-staircase gong down from the front door.
• Magpie lives up there with Old Crow, she rents a room.
• Magpie is a hard, loud woman
• I saw her in Fred Meyer the other day... we completely ignored each other.
• Both OC and Magpie are long divorced, and their distain for things male (or just me) is evident.
• Magpie has a habit of heel-toe stomping about the house that drives me to distraction.
• It sounds like she is goose-stepping… with jackboots on
• Perhaps it's because old crow is deaf as a doorknob, but Magpie does not possess an 'indoor' voice.
• Every syllable shoots from her mouth like she is cheering at a football game
• I’m sure she is the nicest lady… just not to me.
• It is funny (for a short while) to listen to them watch something funny on TV
• OC: hee hee hee hee
• Magpie: HAA HAA HAA HAA

Added Features!!

Because I am sensitive to the needs of my readers - who are leading increasingly frenetic lives; I am changing the format of this blog.

I am doing away with the connective and transitioning elements of writing. Also, I am limiting my use of articles. In short, I am striving to write clear, concise points of information that you - dear reader, may glean the substance of my thoughts without unnecessary words and the time wasted reading (and writing) them.

For the immediate future, I shall write (and you shall read)...

Bulletpoints.

I Landed a Big One

Many of you know that I have been looking for a post-degree job. If you didn't know... I've been looking for a job since I graduated in June. Four months. WHEW! That's a lot of XBOX.

The skeptic in me doesn’t believe in providence, pre-destination or kismet. I believe Fortuna is beholden to us, not vise versa. I also believe in determinism, but that's another post altogether. Then there's the Forest Gump effect. Others may say its blind luck, or falling ass-over-tea-kettle (whatever that means) into situations of abundance; serendipity.

In August, Mrs. eSquared emailed me a job listing from craigslist. The position was a Technologist/Courseware Designer. It sounded like a dream job to me. Yes, it could be further away from my degree focus, but not much.

I applied via email, thought about how cool it would be to get the job for a few days and promptly forgot about it. When I did remember it, I assumed it met the same end as the other twenty-or-so resumes I pumped out weekly.

Monday, September 25th… they called.

Tuesday, September 26th 1:00pm… phone interview. I thought I totally blew it. I mean the kind of blowing it that is reserved for “what the f*ck was I thinking anyway” responses. The called two hours later for a meeting.

Wednesday, September 27th 4:00pm… In person interview. We went to a little coffee shop in Redmond. Again, I felt I may have only done worse if I didn’t show up… or was naked. They gave me an assignment to complete.

I turned the assignment… late. But I suppose they liked it.

Another assignment… turned in on Saturday, October 14th it was due the 13th. I thought I’d never hear from them again… really, really.

Monday, October 16th 9:00am… they call… owner of the company wants to meet me, 10am tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 17th 9:59am… I run through the office door with a tie on, and a coffee stain on my shirt, arrrrrgh. An hour and a half later I leave.

I start tomorrow.

Somebody pinch me.

Here are the position specs:

Technologist / Courseware Designer

This position involves figuring out how to use specific Microsoft business and developer software (.NET, SharePoint, Visual Studio, BizTalk, etc.) and then working collaboratively with team members to create training courses that show people how to use applications and tools to solve their business problems. Your job will be to create 3-4 “fast track” instructor-led training classes each year. The deliverables include working with a subject matter expert (one of our instructors) in a Program Manager capacity to:

• Define a class outline (spec)
• Create PowerPoint slide decks with text and graphics
• Develop and test hands-on labs
  

Primary Responsibilities:

• Design, develop, and author appropriate training and educational course materials
• Research technical documents and user manuals to leverage training content
• Create PowerPoint slide presentations for instructor-led training
• Install, configure, and test operating systems and business applications
• Carefully document lab steps to meet learning requirements
• Use courseware development tools to create content.

Fifteen Seconds of Fame on Grammar Girl

I’ve recently become addicted to podcasts – subscribed multimedia files streamed from the web. A particular cast has grabbed and held my attention. Grammar Girl is both fun and educational; especially for someone with a left-brain word fetish such as me. Grammar Girl’s podcasts add many more obsessions for my inner-grammarian to obsess over.

Alas, I am not alone. Thinking that I was the only one who lost sleep over the affect vs. effect problem, I called in for Grammar Girls help. She published my call on her site and answered my question. I can finally sleep now.

She also commissioned a cartoon to illustrate the mnemonic that I asked for; way to go Grammar Girl. Although she misspelled my name, I think I’m in love.

Cartoon Courtesy of Grammar Girl at http://www.cafepress.com/grammargirl

Sign Posted in Coffee Shop...

Children left unattended will be given espresso and a free puppy.

Almost 100 Things about Me

1. I graduated from Lake Washington High School in 1985.
2. I can’t stand mushrooms. Never have liked them.
3. I just don’t understand all the fuss over Star Wars.
4. My skin is ruddy and I tan very easily.
5. When I was young, I cut my bangs when my hair was wet. It was a disaster.
6. Yellow is my favorite color
7. I hate shaving. Shaving sucks. It’s scary, and I wish I didn’t feel the need to do it.
8. I do not suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I have tendancies.
9. I do suffer (and so do those around me) from a Left Brained Word Fetish.
10. Approval is very important to me.
11. I’ve taken Trombone lessons and voice lessons
12. One of my OCD tendencies is making lists. Sometimes I add things to my lists that I’ve already done just to check them off.
13. I use some shareware without paying for it, and have looked up serial numbers online to gain full access.
14. I attended Boy Scout Camp several consecutive summers when I was young.
15. I am an Eagle Scout.
16. I like sex. Oh yes.
17. I used to bowl in a league.
18. I’ve been to Culinary Arts School, but I hated cooking professionally
19. My first real job was feeding baseballs into pitching machines.
20. Though I’ve never been arrested, I’ve done stuff for which I should have been. I wasn’t planning to run for public office anyway.
21. There are so many things I’d rather do when I have to Shower. Showering is such a waste of time.
22. I hate being hot. I prefer winter to summer.
23. I don’t understand the show Everybody Loves Raymond.
24. When brushing my teeth, I use very hot water. It seems cleaner.
25. I paint my toenails blue, but never my fingernails.
26. I'm always hot, even when other people are cold.
27. I'm not an organized sports fan.
28. I have almost 20k in student loans
29. Some of my friends, especially my friends who don't live close by, don't call or email me as much as I call or email them. I used to resent it. Now I have come to appreciate my role as a nurturer of friendships. I think being an only child makes me place more value on friendships.
30. I once owned a 9mm Taurus handgun. I gave it away after I realized there was nearly nothing worth taking another life over.
31. I have no sense of direction whatsoever. (for irony, see #15)
32. I wish I enjoyed exercise.
33. I like woodsy, herbal, floral, and spicy fragrances more than fruity ones.
34. People say my eyes are my best feature
35. I like reading theory.
36. I'm a huge procrastinator.
37. love to sing
38. When I hear a song I like, I can listen to it over and over without tiring of it. I will usually sing along if no one else is around.
39. When I was a kid, I loved to climb trees, move out to the edge of a branch and let myself fall out of the tree.
40. I would like to write a book someday.
41. I have a tattoo
42. I am an electronics freak.
43. I buy a lot of cheap electronics crap on ebay, I am almost always disappointed. Now all the electronics are sitting in a drawer in my office.
44. I like the smell of gasoline.
45. I didn’t go to Disneyland until I was an adult. It truly is the most magical place on earth.
46. I liked to build a fort out of the couch as a kid
47. Sometimes I still imagine I’m in a spaceship as I try to go to sleep
48. I like to wake up early in the morning.
49. Mom still lives in the same house we moved into when I was 5.
50. I love dramatic, summer thunderstorms. Northwest thunderstorms are anticlimactic, and dull.
51. I don’t like sugar sweetened drinks
52. I was a tenor in my high school choir, but I wanted to be a bass.
53. I’ve sung the tenor solos in the Messiah… I haven’t sung since.
54. I scored 100% on my written test to get my driver's license. I almost failed the driving test. It was parallel parking on a hill that nearly flunked me.
55. Today, I am so good at parallel parking it scares people.
56. Stopping on a steep hill with an automatic transmission freaks me out. Stopping on a steep hill with a manual transmission REALLY freaks me out.
57. I can get along with almost anyone. I’m not sure if almost anyone can get along with me.
58. I leave both the toilet seat and the cover down.
59. My blood type is O positive.
60. I tend to be a jack-of-all-trades, master of none.
61. I lived in Seattle, but I'm not a big fan of seafood.
62. I used to sing in a barber shop quartet. It’s my favorite type of singing.
63. Sometimes I think I can do anything, given proper instructions
64. When someone would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said an animal scientist. I don't think I really knew what I wanted to do, but having an answer kept the adults happy.
65. I've always been able to interact easily with people older than myself.
66. I love talking about relationships and human interaction.
67. Sometimes I can be arrogant.
68. I had a fascination with briefcases, until I finally got one and realized they weren't all that exciting.
69. I prefer the toilet paper to roll off the top
70. I like to make people laugh.
71. Excessive use of punctuation (especially exclamation marks) bugs me.
72. When I'm tasked with something repetitive or monotonous I find the most efficient way to complete it, often testing different strategies to speed up the process. This usually takes longer than just completing the tasks.
73. I had my middle and last names legally changed in 1984
74. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a scientist of some sort. I can’t tolerate the math though.
75. I like math, I’m just not good at it.
76. I don't have a good ear for lyrics
77. I am allergic to chololate. That's my only allergy.
78. The sound of someone brushing their teeth really annoys me.
79. I have many watches, and feel lost if I leave the house without one. Generally, there is a clock within my eyesight.
80. For the longest time I couldn’t understand why anyone would waste their money on a Mac. Now… the next computer I buy will be.
81. I have early onset of middle-aged grumpiness; it’s not difficult to piss me off. Wait… I am middle aged.
82. Fall is my favorite season.
83. My favorite movie is The Legend of 1900.
84. I don’t have a favorite book.
85. I like sharing food with others.
86. It takes me ages to decide what I'm going to eat.
87. I don’t like sushi… it’s the seaweed.
88. I believe in multipolar world. The one where differences are recognized and appreciated.
89. I can be stubborn.
90. And too straight forward.
91. For me relations are fuzzy and multidimensional. That's why it's so interesting to find where the limits of technology-mediated ways to represent them. Or to move those limits.
92. I like flying. I would like to be a pilot.
93. I have a cat. His name is Wylie
94. I have liberal views on most issues.
95. I think "The Simpsons" is one of the best shows ever (particularly the early years).
96. I think corporations have grown too powerful… esp. Microsoft, Time Warner, and Wal-Mart.
97. I love jazz.
98. I’ve never smoked pot or taken any drug not prescribed by a doctor. Sometimes I feel I missed out.

Oh.... I was going to call you.

Not that I had an especially busy day planned, but I did have things to do. Come to think of it, when I flushed the toilet it was unusually quiet. I moved over to this sink to wash my hands, lifted the faucet and nothing came out.

NO WATER... My eye began to twitch.

Old Crow has done this to us before. Once, she fiddled with the hot water heater and decided to turn the water temperature down to save some cash. After one shower I confronted her and she fixed it.

I huffed over to the phone and called Old Crow.

*ring*

E2:"[Old Crow]... its eSquared..."

Silence

E2:"... from downstairs."

OC: "Oowwh... I was gunna call you. George (next door neighbor who does whatever OC asks) is fixing the toilet. He needs to turn off the water for 10 minutes."

E2: "Some notice would have been nice."

OC: "Owkay... He'll turn it back on in twenty minutes."

Yes, I caught she just doubled the time. I just hung up.

I put my hat on, and went to run some errands.

When I came back (with grocery bags) Old Crow was standing in our dining room. I told her she could do laundry YESTERDAY. I'm still pissed about the water so I don't say anything.

Eager to explain, OC starts: "I was down here earlier and heard you sleeping. I thought we would have the water turned on before you got up..."

I thought to myself: "Did I hear that right? She was down here listening to me sleep?

Untitled Old Crow One

I was sitting at my desk yesterday when Old Crow ambled up and stood in front of the window. She lifted her hand to shield her eyes, and pressed her face into the Glass. We are face-to-face, less than four feet apart, and seperated only by glass. The window is also cracked open about 3 inches.

Old Crow Yells, "CAN YOU HEAR ME?!"

"Yup." I reply in a calm, yet irritated voice.

Old Crow continues to yell, "OH... DO YOU REMEMBER THE MAN WHO PAINTED THE FENCE?!"

E2: "Uh... nope?"

OC: "I HIRED HIM TO WASH THE HOUSE TOMORROW. MAKE SURE ALL YOUR WINDOWS ARE CLOSED..."

I lost her at "...wash the house tomorrow."

Wash the House.

Pete the painter and his lackey have been here for three hours now. They just finished the area in front of this window.

Surely this is a prudent use of money; washing the house just before the rainy season.

Not that I blame Pete... If someone paid me (and a friend) to wash their house, I'd do it.

For you... dear reader

No doubt you have noticed the calvin avitars I've begun adding to each post. I got the idea from Dave at Blogography. He adds a little image of himself to each of his posts. I have neither the time or the inclination to take a dozen pictures of myself so I chose the Calvin image because he resembles my pic on this page.

Along these same lines... I think I'm going to add another dimentions to this blog: sound. It was such a hoot finding the wav file for the previous post, I thought I'd try to add one or two sound files to my posts.

So... Beginning with this post, I'll add a random sound file to the calvin avitar. Perhaps one that fits my mood, or a favorite clip from a movie. Also, I'll to add sound clips to emphasize some of the content.

Please, let me know if these sound files slow your computer, or boggs your browser down. Also, I'd like the feedback.

WTF!?!

It’s 8:10 in the morning. I’m in my underwear, sipping coffee, watching the Today Show and writing the post that will follow this. I hear the front door open…

Some Dude: “Knock, knock… Sundance.”

E2: [mustering my angry voice] “Hello”?!?!

SD: “I’m here to service your furnace.”

E2: [now standing in the hall… still in my underwear] “The furnace is in the garage, why are you in here”?!

SD: “Your Mom said I could use the bathroom.”

I feel an artery poke out of my neck, and my eye starts to twitch. I should have sent him up to use “mom’s” bathroom… but I wasn’t thinking…

E2: “Go ahead.”

The furnace repair guy, who thinks Old Crow is my mom, went number-two in my bathroom.

When I calm down, OC and I are going to have a come-to-jesus meeting.

Happy to hear from you...

When I can't avoid initiating a conversation with Old Crow, I am always struck by the enthusiasm with which she greets me. For instance, I am picking up the mail (that she insists on bringing in from the mail box) from a shelf in the garage. She is doing whatever she occupies her time with. For this example, she'll be going through our garbage to make sure we have recycled all the recycling. No, I'm not making that up.

eSquared: "Hi [Old Crow]."

OC: "Oh... hi."

Its as if seeing me is the biggest disapointment of her day. She uses the same pitch, timber and tone of Roz from Monsters, Inc. It always puts a smile on my face... always.

What Fresh Hell is This?

The other day, the lovely & tallented Mrs. eSquared and I were sitting on the couch watching some insipid television show when the phone rang. As always, I looked the the caller ID... "**OLDCROW**"

Reflexivly, I rolled my eyes and groaned, "What fresh hell is this"?

• Another three-day reminder that thursday is garbage day?
• She bought another squeegie for the shower that I won't use?
• More help pulling her car out of the garage?
• A reminder to change the dri-aire thingies in the closet?
• I left water on the bathroom floor again?
• The garage needs to be swept?

What could it be?

Against my better judgement, I answered the phone. She began the conversation by calling me Mrs. E2. I'm sure you can imagine how that went over with me.

Then she asked me, to ask Mrs. E2 if we had some of the lazy-susans that she left here when we moved in. I told her I remembered we had a couple, and she was welcome to them. "No," she says "I had six or seven of them." She continues, "And only if Mrs. E2 isnt using them."

I'm ashamed to say, that I saw this as an opportunity to pass this off on Mrs. E2. No go. She wouldnt have it. I was in this one for the long haul. Old Crow was still praddling on about re-doing her kitchen cabnets.

Six or seven lazy susans. What the hell? I thought that she was finally losing it. Her memory was beginning to fail her. There is nofrickenway we have six or seven lazy susans in our kitchen.

I decide to give her the one we are using for our spices. As I think about it now, I think we brought that with us when we moved in. Crap. Anyway, I root through some of the cupboards. Low and behold... I found five more. Right where I put them when we moved in. I took all six up to Old Crow and assured her that Mrs. E2 was not using them.

Looks like it's my memory that's failing me.

What, Coupons?!?

There are some who eat, before eating: appetizers. Some sleep before bed: napping. Today, I went to the store before going to the store: I call that silly. As the unemployed one in our household the responsibility of grocery shopping falls on me. Normally I don't mind, but depending on my mood, it can be an exercise in patience and anger management.

The lovely & talented Mrs. eSquared was feeling sick this evening so I went to get some fizzy water, other soda and something for her lunch tomorrow. My cart is loaded with carbonated beverages by the two-liter bottle, and I am rounding the corner heading for the U-check isle. I can taste freedom.

Earlier, I noticed an older lady interrogating one of Fred Meyer's worker-bees about why he was moving a cart full of Wheaties boxes. I didn't hear what she said, but his reply was something like, "...we have to move this isle because we're putting another freezer unit where this one is." He continues to stack boxes from the cart. "Well ma'am, I don't know what they will put in there... I was told to move these boxes." For a moment, he had my sympathy. A cold, crowian chill crept down my spine as I continued my search for things fizzy.

So... the taste of freedom. I round the corner, and there she is; the Wheaties inquisitor. She stops me cold. Before I realize its her, she says to me, "What kind of coupon deals are there"?

I am not a coupon shopper. I'm not even a comparison buyer. I grab the closest, and most visible items along my pre-planned route through the store. All the while whispering to myself, "The shortest distance between two points is a straight line." or "Move that cart to one side of the isle, and no one will get hurt."

This lady could have said anything to me...
"You dropped a fifty."
"What a wonderful day it is."
"How about a quickie, young man"?

... and I would have responded the same.

"What"?

The gears in my head recover, and I recognize her as the Wheaties lady. My eyes narrow when I notice her unchanged focus to the bottom of my cart.

"What kind of coupon deals are there"? ... still focused on the bottles of soda.

"I'm sorry... I don't understand."

"Your coupons." she says, pointing to the coupon flier UNDER six bottles of pop.

Without averting her gaze, she REACHES into my cart, shoves the bottles aside and retrieves the flier. "Do you mind if I take a look..."?

"It's yours." I reply, and speed my way to the self-check line.

I never seem to learn. When I get in the line, there are no other people waiting, and there's one station that APPEARS open. Of course its not. The other three stations are occupied with the very reason there are professional checkers. Not only do professional checkers KNOW HOW to operate the scanners, buttons, scales and bags, but they are PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY competent to do so.

Meanwhile... the ONE checker-supervisor person that oversees the u-check-train-wreck is running her ass off between the three other monkeys trying to scan produce.

I just roll my eyes and curse myself for not going to another line.

And now, a word from our sponsor...

A tasty, summer beer...

As I was writing that last post, I was enjoying New Belgium Brewery's latest offering: Skinny Dip. Its a crisp amber thats got a little spice behind it. Very tasty. If you see it, pick some up, you wont be disappointed.

Serving up Crow...

My latest dish of Old Crow was served up earlier today, but its been stewing since yesterday evening.

I was driving in after two hours in the dentist's chair. I had a tooth filled and a frenectomy. Although two hours of Nitrous Oxide was glorious, I had a bit of a headache from the gas. Also, the lidocaine was wearing off and I was starting to feel pain. Now, the table is set.

I opened the garage door to see that OC had the backdoor to the garage open. Because it was Tuesday, I figured OC was putting out the garbage for Thursday. Yes, she puts the garbage out two days early. But that's another story. Here's a silly little illustration.


So... Simple enough, the door was open. No problem. I didn't pull in quite as far as I usually do. Grabbed the stuff from the car and went inside. Later, Mrs. E2 parked behind me, and came in.

Fastforward to this afternoon. I'm loading the car with a bunch of electronic stuff to recycle (fifty bucks worth of recycling). Of course, OC waits until I pull out of the garage and start fiddling with my cell phone to stand by my window.

When I notice her, I roll the window down:

OC: "I had to close your door last night."
[in the three years we've lived here, she's had to close it twice. She leaves her door open constantly.]
E2: "Oh"?
OC: "You'll need to pull in further, the door hit your car last night."
E2: "When I came in yesterday, the [other] door was open."
[silly of me to think I can reason with her.]
OC: "There was plenty of room..."
E2: [cutting her off] "Ok, my bad. See ya later."

My point in this whole thing you ask? To me its evident that she feels the need to bring to my attention EVERY LITTLE THING that we do that falls outside of her small world management plan. Nevermind the time she needed to change something with the electricity and just turned the jumper off FOR THE ENTIRE HOUSE! No warning, no up-yours, no nothing. Mrs. E2 was working on a paper at the time. Luckily, I have installed a universal power supply with a battery backup.

Look at that... its a two-fer Old Crow post... and a bargain at twice the price.

Just a thought...

I wanted y'all to know... a word that I want to incorporate into conversation this week:

robust

Thank you for your time and attention.